Day 1: Weaning Time

The night before I fly to Japan I typed some of my thoughts and then emailed it to myself. Here is an excerpt …

CHANGE
A LOT has happened. And a LOT will happen still. I can’t stop things from happening. Like this is all a strong flow of current pulling every drift wood from the lost forest, I let it conquer my own.

I am like the seed that was nurtured and challenged to become a sturdy canopy. Proudly I stood to bask with the glares of the sun yet shelters what’s behind- the understory of the thick damp, sometimes muddy yet calming forest floor. The stability and mystical appeal of the scenery is good enough to capture a lens eye and be immortalized in a postal card—like it will never change its ways. Never did I imagine how this picture perfect canopy has volunteered itself to be uprooted to serve a better purpose…

Six months after, I found myself driving on the highway without a lump on my throat, gas my own car, go places without my husband, pick up and drop off friends at wee hours in the morning, spend a day at the park, watch movie with Herb, do the groceries and check the wholesale shops, short to say, do stuff without my husband looking after me. And not one of these moments passed me without getting secretly or deliberately thrilled that I was able to do it on my own.

I am weaned. I can somehow say that I overcome weaning stress.

This morning I drove almost 50 kilometers to the airport and managed to get back in Tsukuba in one piece, fulfill my 3 hour work load, had a superb lunch with Herb, march on the mall, pick few treats from grocery and truly enjoy myself. I should be happier than I am now. But when I got back home and turn my key and open our door, suddenly I can see so much space. Though I have a mental note of things that I should accomplish while my hubby is in France, I know I can only be half occupied.

Funny how a one tarot card session with Herb got me to wrap up what I used to do and how different I am now. Before, I thrive under pressure, I depend on caffeine and nicotine, I give solutions to problems, I think about other people, I study, I influence, I learn, I earn and I was good. But it was never enough to satisfy me. Now, I induce pressure, tone down on caffeine, give up nicotine, suggest options to solve problems, think about myself and my family, I urge myself to study, I make friends, I earn and try to make good and I feel gratified. Herb told me to coast along with changes. Wait and see what’ll happen next. I think I have no choice but to leave it at that, especially at this time when I have to wake up 18 mornings without my husband. I’ll get by…one day at a time.

So I decided to upload pics during my pinas workdays plus my current pics. Don’t mind me, the background spells the difference. Cut off from “before” pics are my lucky strike, and coffee cup.